The author of ‘Practical Steps to Financial Freedom and Independence,’ USIERE UKO, writes on the roles of couples in family finances
At the altar, a key component of the marriage vow is sticking with each other ‘for better for worse’ and pledging your worldly goods to each other. How come some couples hide their finances from each other? In part 1 of this article, I gave some of the reasons and in this second part, I will attempt to answer the questions. These include but not limited to the following:
Should husband and wife know what each is earning?
Is the husband the sole breadwinner or is the wife a co-breadwinner?
Should the husband ask the wife to contribute to the family’s finances?
There are many opinions on this issue, but I will move past opinions and go back to the original blueprint of marriage. Marriage was not man’s idea. To do a quick fact check, I did a Google search on ‘who invented marriage?’ There were some interesting opinions but only one name came up – God. This means that though roles and responsibilities may change over time due to current realities and public opinion, the original blueprint remains the same. Natural laws, like spiritual laws are not subject to public opinion or political correctness.
Head of family/breadwinner
The role of the head of the family and breadwinner is not by election or economic power. This role or responsibility is assigned to the man. This means if there is financial lack in the home, the buck stops at the man’s table. The woman is to support the man and take care of the home front. This is the original blueprint. This does not mean that the woman cannot assist the man or the man cannot assist the woman. They are a team and no one is superior to the other, despite the different roles and responsibilities.
Anytime a man wants to marry, one of the things one looks out for is his ability to support a family. Does he have a job or regular income? Does he have his own accommodation? Who among us will give their daughter’s hand in marriage to a man who is jobless and putting up with friends or still living with his parents? If a woman is the jobless one, it is not an issue.
No longer at ease
When a man succeeds in playing his role, there is more harmony in the home and mutual respect for each other is certain. Every woman, no matter how well off, wants to be taken care of and protected. It is a natural instinct. When a man does his job in every sense of the word, there is peace at home. Most marital squabbles are centred directly or indirectly around finance. Anytime you see a couple quarrelling, if the issue is not about sex or spending time with the wife, chances are money is the underlying issue. It is something having enough money will solve.
Many homes have come to a lot of grief because the man cannot afford a decent accommodation for his family. Children who are raised in a face-me-I-face-you environment are exposed to indecent life, child abuse and a lot of vices arising from having so many people living in very close proximity. Some married women are exposed to avoidable temptation and pressure in the workplace due to the financial situation at home. Many homes have collapsed due to this.
There is also the issue of children with absentee parents. These children become wayward because the parents have abdicated their responsibility to maids, guards, lesson teachers, TV etc. At the end of the day, these children pick up values at variance with their parents.’
When the man alone cannot win the bread
The reality of many homes today is that the husband does not earn enough to provide for his family at their current standard of living. This should not be a problem if the man has the right mentality. Not earning enough should be a signal that the man should put on his thinking cap, upgrade himself to earn enough to take care of his family.
This is often not the case. Due to lack of mentality and financial illiteracy, rather than solve the income problem, the man turns inwards to look at the wife for a bailout. This is when he remembers that the wife is also working and ought to help out. He starts pursuing his wife from pillar to post looking for her money. A lot of women resent this, which leads to ‘resource control’ induced quarrels, which can sometimes degenerate into domestic violence.
A better approach would be to own up and take responsibility for the current financial challenges. When you are transparent with your finances and carry your spouse along with your financial goals and plans to earn more income to better take care of the family, the woman will willingly support you. You don’t have to ask her. When your wife sees your effort, she will not only gladly assist in any possible way she can, she will be proud of you, secure in the fact that you are working towards a brighter future for the family and praying for your success. This will further build your confidence and self-esteem, accelerating your progress towards your financial goals.
When your wife is upset and bitter, your prayers are hindered. When your wife is happy and proud of you, not only will your prayers flow unhindered, you will be backed by the power of a praying wife. With unity and synergy, you stand a much better chance of succeeding.
Self-fulfilling prophecy
If you believe that you cannot provide enough for your family; that will become true for you. If you believe you can provide more than enough for your family; that will also become true for you. What you believe and expect is what will happen. That is why the person who believes he can and the one who believes he can’t are both right. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Men, let’s be really honest with ourselves. Which one feels better – being able to provide or needing your wife to assist?
When you take your eyes off your wife’s money and focus on growing your income to provide for your family (including giving your wife her own personal allowance), your mind will start to open to possibilities. When you take your focus away from your core responsibility and start pursuing your wife to contribute, you will create resentment and more lack, your self-esteem will suffer and most of the arguments at home will be about how the money is managed. You can rise above that.
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