Should couples hide their finances from each other? - Part 1

Author of ‘Practical Steps to Financial Freedom and Independence, Usiere Uko, asks whether spouses should hide their income from each other or not

  I want to look at a very interesting and controversial topic which, if not well handled, can sabotage our efforts in achieving financial independence and freedom. Success in virtually every area of human endeavour, including finances is a team sport. The power of synergy comes into play, whereby one plus one is much more than two. When it comes to marriage, this seems to be the weakest link in two becoming one. This seems to be a never ending debate and I have been called in as an umpire many times. I have an acquaintance who does not allow his wife to see his pay slip. Again, I have another who hands over everything to his wife and asks her to manage them (to see what miracle she will perform). There are others who underreport their earnings, so they don’t have to bring everything to the table. They give their spouses the wrong figure, and some take it to a whole new level, printing a phony pay slip to deceive their spouses.

 Now, I am not going to sit on a throne of judgment. People have gone through events which influenced them to behave the way they do. Women have seen the good, the bad and the ugly from their spouses. There are some men who collect the wife’s salary and manage it on behalf of the family. Some women have stood by to see their money being spent on strange women, or on projects they know nothing about, especially with respect to their in-laws.

Why do men hide income from their wives?

 There are many reasons some men do not tell their wives the whole truth regarding their income and their financial situation. In most cases, they want to keep a ‘security vote,’ money they do not have to seek concurrence or approval from the ‘house of assembly’ to spend. They feel there is some expenditure that their wives should not know about, to avoid trouble or unnecessary arguments.

 A major reason is in-law issues. Some men do not want their wives to know how much they give to their parents. The reason may be that he gives a meagre amount of money to the wife’s parents and secretly augments what he gives to his parents. He knows the wife will not accept or understand the rationale. Also, the husband may want to secretly help a sibling in need without the wife’s knowledge. It could be that he believes the wife will oppose the move, or because he had refused to help the wife’s sibling earlier, hence he cannot justify publicly why he is helping his.

 Another major reason is that the husband does not trust the wife to support his plan for financial prudence. Based on his perception of his wife, he believes she will make demands to ensure there is nothing left to save. So, to protect the savings (which is also secret), he under-declares his salary.

 Also, some husbands feel their wives will not support their philanthropy. They believe the wife will insist that the money be used to meet needs and wants rather than help outsiders. To avoid trouble at home, such men give secretly. I have seen instances where the wife gets to know for the first time at the husband’s burial when beneficiaries show up to pay their last respects.

 There are some men that play ‘away matches,’ keeping other women and sometimes other homes. To pull this stunt, they need to keep their wives in the dark financially. Such men also build houses their legal wives know nothing about. Again, the pigeons come home to roost during the burial.

 Why do women hide income from their husbands?

 With most women, the key issue seems to be that men should be the sole bread winner they were meant to be, and remove their noses from the wife’s finances. This position is not far away from the original roles and responsibilities of marriage partners. While most women tend to believe that this should not change, some men believe that with gender equality, women should also share in bread winning. Most women believe that whether to contribute and how much should be their prerogative. The husband should simply back off.

When the husband does not back off, you see cases in which some wives hide some of their income from their husbands. I remember a hot debate about whether husbands should ask their wives for financial contribution to run the home or joint investments. Again, the argument was split among those who believe it is the husband’s sole responsibility and those who believe the wife should join forces with the husband fully.

 When the husband cajoles an unwilling wife to bring her salary, this creates room for resentment, fights and under-declaring of income. Also, the woman does not see why she should hand over her salary and later turn round to beg for same to meet personal needs like clothes, toiletries, pocket money etc. There are cases where a jobless husband takes over the wife’s car while she has to take public transport to go to work.

 There is also the issue of trust. Some women believe their husbands will misappropriate the money and put their family in financial trouble. So, as part of their financial security plan, they have savings and investments their husbands do not know about. There are wives who pretend to borrow money from friends to pay the children’s school fees whereas it is their money. They will pester the husband to pay back the money they borrowed.

 When your husband uses your money to maintain women outside, you don’t want to use your money to fund such exploits. Women in this situation naturally keep their money away by telling outright lies (when there is a risk of domestic violence) or refusing completely.

 For many women, inheritance is also an issue. They do not see why they should build together with their hard-earned money, only to be kicked out by the husband’s family if the man dies. Such families do not want to know if the woman’s money was also used to build the estate. Such women try to protect themselves and their young children from such predatory in-laws by investing secretly.

 Many women started out trusting and willing to help out in whatever way possible. After that trust has been betrayed once or twice, they pull back and are on their guard.

 Foundation of communication

During courtship, everyone puts forward their best foot and everyone is in agreement. Money is hardly discussed, and how family finance is to be managed is left to fall by the wayside. There is no plan on how the family will be funded, the role of the man and the woman, what happens to the wife’s income, and what happens if the husband loses his job or his business goes down. The general assumption is that where there is love, everything will sort itself out.

Should couples hide their finances from each other? - Part 2

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